The Inner Beauty Myth—What Really Matters

Is inner beauty a consolation prize… or the secret to happiness? 

In this inner beauty exposé, you will learn the real meaning of inner beauty and how to cultivate it without losing yourself. It's effortless, free, satisfying and it creates moments of true happiness. 

Inner Beauty: Blink and you'll miss it

We followed the path along the road to the beach, my partner striding ahead, irritated that we were lagging behind. My son who was ahead of me glanced around and suddenly stopped. “Come on Marley”, he said kindly to my partner’s seven year old who was walking slowly behind the group. He waited patiently until she had caught up, then satisfied she was safe, kept walking.

Inner beauty happens around us every day but if we don’t pay attention, we miss it. Instead we see the teenager who is on their phone too much, not the moment he stops to keep a child safe. 

In this blog, I am not going to give you a to-do list of ways you can, yet again, improve yourself.

I Googled “What is inner beauty?” and was dismayed at the results, which involved self improvement. I agree we should have self respect, integrity and compassion but what does that look like? Mother Teresa? The selfless mum? 

I also asked AI what it was and why it mattered, and was informed that “Inner beauty is a combination of a person’s core character, values and integrity and it matters as it helps create meaningful and lasting relationships”.

This is true but I know people with loads of inner beauty who blow up their relationships like everyone else. They give until it hurts, then end up disillusioned and alone. 

So have we got it wrong?

The meaning of inner beauty

• Is it giving until it hurts? No. Inner beauty does not hurt or feel like a chore.
• Is it being good, kind and loving all the time? No. Sometimes is enough.
• Is it never wearing makeup or not caring about your appearance? No. You can have inner and outer beauty, they are not mutually exclusive. Do what feels right for you.
• Is it being nice to people who make you feel uncomfortable and unsafe? No. Remove yourself from unsafe situations.
• Is it working in a soup kitchen to feed the poor? Yes, but no... you don’t have to. If you have time to volunteer, go for it, but it's not the only way to inner beauty. 

Inner beauty is an inner attitude

Inner beauty is expressed differently in everyone. 

For some, it's an attitude of gratitude. A quiet thank you, an appreciation for the people in your life. 

For others, it’s chivalry in traffic: making space for someone to merge, letting a car cut in front of you — without getting annoyed. 

It’s letting someone win an argument. Not needing to be right all the time. 

It’s being patient in a long line at the supermarket or letting a pregnant lady go ahead of you. 

It’s saying sorry when you are wrong. 

It’s turning the other cheek when someone is rude to you. Their lack of manners — which may be a sign of a lower level of consciousness — is not your problem to fix or argue about. 

It’s also humility. 

Or taking your child to the park when you would rather be doing something else. 

Forgiveness is also a major contributor to inner beauty. We're human and we all make mistakes. And forgiving others makes it easier to forgive yourself. You don't have to announce it. Just feel it. Let it go. The one who forgives is always the one who benefits. It grows inner beauty.  

Don’t be mistaken, this is not a to-do list. This is an awareness list. 

So how do you get more inner beauty? 

It begins with awareness, because what you focus on grows. 

We are told how to look after our skin, with cleansers and creams. We are encouraged to stay young and fit and healthy, but simply noticing inner beauty could be the missing link to happiness. Awareness is the key.  

Look, inner beauty often appears intuitively — you simply get an urge to do something nice — but it can be cultivated. Here are simple instructions on how to increase your inner beauty and create more happiness in your life:

1. Observe the inner beauty that is already around you. 

Begin to notice the acts of kindness in your family and friends. It’s easy to see their faults, but put those aside for a moment and see the goodness too. 

For example, when your tech-obsessed child asks for more food, but notices you haven’t finished your meal and says “no rush, when you have finished your meal”. For a brief moment they display patience and kindness and that is an act of inner beauty that money can’t buy. 

When your partner puts out the garbage or does the dishes (even if it’s their allocated chore), take a moment to silently be thankful or give them a smile or say thank you. Whatever feels comfortable for you. 

When your mother or mother-in-law says something nice. It might be rare, but take the compliment with grace. 

When you observe inner beauty, its importance grows. You start to focus less on faults. 

2. List your past acts of kindness 

This might be the most important step in cultivating inner beauty: simply acknowledging when you get it right. We're quick to berate ourselves for moments of selfishness, yet barely notice how much we give. What you focus on grows. As psychologist Rick Hanson, author of Hardwiring Happiness, puts it — grow the good. Focussing on small acts of kindness in your life "grows" inner beauty. 

So list your acts of kindness. What you're able to give right now is probably enough. 

Inner beauty isn't about endless giving — it's giving without needing to get. Remember, you're allowed to be selfish sometimes. To pursue what makes you happy. It's about balance, not perfection. Because if you give until you resent it, you dim your own light.

Here is an inner beauty activity below from The Healthy Skin Diet. This activity is free and requires no effort. It’s anonymous so it does not require bravery, it does not take time, and it helps to cultivate true feelings of happiness and community spirit. 

“As you see and appreciate beauty, you become more beautiful.”

The Healthy Skin Diet, p. 260

Inner Beauty Exercise, Level 1

This 'walking appreciation' exercise is a fantastic tool for expanding your definition of beauty, so you can experience more of it in everyday life.

Go for a walk somewhere public. For example, on the way to work, a stroll through the park, anywhere you'll be passing other people. Sunglasses optional.

Instead of turning your attention inward, focus on the people around you. Your only goal is to look for beauty in others — conventional and unconventional — without judgement.

Start simple. He has a nice smile. She has kind eyes. Pretty scarf. Great hair. That's enough.

Then go deeper. Look for inner beauty — imagine their strength, their kindness, their quiet wisdom or free spirit. They look like a good person. Good energy. And if you can't find it? Make it up. Offer a silent wish or blessing. He looks strong and dependable, works perfectly.

See beauty in people of every colour, shape and size.

Doing this activity might result in people smiling at you for no apparent reason. You emit an invisible loving energy that some — more conscious people — may feel and respond too. They may glance in your direction. Other, less conscious people may not feel your silent blessing, so do not expect them to respond. The ‘walking appreciation exercise’ is an unconditional gift to others where you benefit the most.

If this activity brings up resistance or uneasiness, then begin with a more subtle approach. Silently think to yourself when you see a person “As I see the beauty in you, I see the beauty in myself”, and see what kind thought comes up naturally.

This is a great way to expand your definition of beauty, cultivate inner beauty, and bond with your local community without having to utter a word. 

This is one of three inner beauty exercises in the award-winning book, The Healthy Skin Diet. To learn more, you can find the book here.